Struggling
by StoryTimez
Summary: Spencer is depressed, craving Dilaudid, and has just overheard another set of agents talking about him. He doesn't believe he has anyone value to give the team, can Derek convince him he's wrong? Not Moreid, unfortunately. Angst.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I tend to like a neglected, depressed Spencer..

I just wanted to write this, I'm not sure if this needs an update..that's up to y'all, I guess. Hope you all like it.

Takes place after Revelations, and him becoming sober..but he's still young to the team.

Please read and review!

/

He walked through the hallways of the BAU, eyes trained on the ground from over six feet above, hoping to reach the elevator before anyone else showed up.

He started coming to work early after he'd been kidnapped and became addicted to Dilaudid, wanting the ability to sober up before anyone arrived.

Now, though, while he was sober permanently, he still preferred being the first one in the building. Being the first one there meant that he didn't have to pretend to be well rested and happy.

The elevator doors opened once more, revealing the empty pathway to his designated bullpen. He breathed in the office air, planning to start a pot of coffee in the break room- only to see that the light was already on, flooding the dim room.

He gazed curiously at it, something in him telling him to be quiet. He steadied his messenger bag, walking slowly towards the threshold. A set of two voices grew louder as he grew closer, he stopped near the opening, leaning flush against the wall.

"I mean, the guy doesn't know when to shut up." Agent Grishel, as Spencer identified by his smooth voice, said to the other person in the room. "The only reason he's even here is because of Gideon taking him under his wing, and that nut job is gone now..they're just stuck dealing with the aftermath."

Spencer's brows furrowed at the comment, knowing it was directed towards him, a lot of agents felt that he didn't deserve to be in the BAU (especially at his age).

"You'd think he would have realized that none of his coworkers care about all of those useless facts by now." The other voice replied, belonging to Agent Anderson.

He casted his eyes downward, _Do they really think that?_

"You can see it on their faces, they all look miserable every time Reid opens his mouth." Grishel laughed out, "I'm surprised they haven't tried to transfer him out."

Anderson cracked a grin, "It's _Doctor_ Reid, remember?"

Spencer frowned deeper, was he really that annoying...did his friends, his _family_ honestly not like him? How did he not see it? _I knew I didn't belong here._

"I swear, it would be better if the kid just stopped talking all together, or left the team." Grishel said before pouring his drink down the drain, "This coffee sucks."

The doctor wiped a few bastardly tears from his eyes, backing away quietly before the agents would notice his presence.

He stopped at the beginning of the hall, letting himself calm down and re-enter just as the agents who'd been talking about him left the break room.

He walked passed them, avoiding eye contact as he scrambled to his desk.

"Morning, Spencer." Grishel greeted with an easy smile as he walked by.

Reid stared after him, _I swear, it would be better if the kid just stopped talking all together, or left the team._ He didn't respond, watching the agents exchange glances before leaving the room.

 _Maybe it would be better..._ He thought to himself, _T_ _hey only need me to talk on the case, that's all I'll give them..or maybe I shouldn't be with them at all._

He pulled a few files from his paperwork stack, not bothering to get any coffee as per routine, he'd rather not be alert today. _Dilaudid would work better._

.

.

The sun had risen and settled into it's daily spot, agents filing into the room one by one as the day truly began.

The first of his team to arrive was Hotch, who gave him a brief 'hello' before hurrying into his office. He didn't have a chance to respond, not that he would have, the man hadn't even waited for one.

 _Well, he obviously doesn't want to hear my voice_. Reid noted unhappily.

Penelope, Emily, JJ, and Dave all came in next, talking with one another about the day ahead.

"Morning, Spence!" Jayje called out to him before heading to the break room. Emily nodded, sitting at her own desk and staring begrudgingly at the files taking over her workspace.

Garcia gave him a kiss on the back of his head, despite knowing his uneasiness with it. He cringed away, giving her a deadly look.

She smirked, pretend pouting and giving him a pinch on the cheeks, "Did someone not have his morning pound of sugar?"

Rather than informing her on the facts about coffee and sugar, he remained silent. _They treat me like a child..That's what I am, a stupid child that they have to babysit._

Her face dropped, "You alright?" _She doesn't really care._

He nodded slightly, if only to appease her, before getting back to work. He didn't see the concerned looks his coworkers were now giving him, and each other.

Derek arrived last, jacket slung over his shoulder as he staggered into the room. A grin was plastered on his face, greeting the girls that remained in the pen before ruffling the youngest team member's hair. "Good morning, Pretty Boy."

 _Why does he even call me that? I'_ m not _attractive._ He asked himself bitterly, shrugging off Derek's large hand and fleeing to the bathroom.

Morgan stared after him, both angry and worried. He turned to face the team members with his hands wide open, "Does anyone know what that was about?"

They shook their heads. Garcia spoke up, "I have no idea."

Derek stared at them a second more before following Spencer's path. "Well, I'm going to figure it out." He told them in a determined voice.

.

.

Reid stared at his skinny, pale reflection in the mirror, lips curling in disgust. "You're so pathetic, they don't need you."

His hands gripped the counter, tears threatening to pour out. Over the months he'd been clean, he nearly started using again almost _every_ day. He was angry at himself for wanting the drugs then, for wanting them now, but the urge was so strong he didn't know how long he could fight it.

He still had a bottle, and a couple of syringes. _Maybe, maybe I should just use it all._

He sighed, these thoughts had been poking and prodding at him as well, but after the revelation this morning...it was overwhelming.

Derek opened the door, watching as his friend straightened up and glanced towards him.

Looking broken and lost, Spencer pretended to wash his hands.

"Pretty Boy?" Derek asked.

 _Pretend you're okay, even if he doesn't really care._ The smile he gave Morgan was believable enough, but the man still wasn't convinced.

"What's going on in that big ol' brain of yours?"

Reid shook his head, passing Morgan. "I'm fine, didn't have my coffee."

.

.

It was eleven AM now, and Spencer had yet to say anymore words, and Aaron Hotchner had been well informed on that fact. Everyone on the team had spoken to him individually, expressing their concerns for the young agent.

Derek said he'd handle it, he just needed to get him away from the office, so Aaron told him to buy lunch for the team and to take Spencer with him.

Morgan walked back into the pen, "Hey, Genius." He called to him softly, noting his back go stiff. "Hotch wants us to buy lunch."

Spencer looked up at him, scrutinizing his face for signs of betrayal.

Derek held up the company issued debit card, "Come on, let's go."

Spencer nodded in defeat, grabbing his bag. Derek allowed him to walk in front.

They joined agents Grishel and Anderson on the elevator, much to Spencer's annoyance.

Derek watched as Spencer folded his arms, standing off to the side of the group.

"Hey Derek, Spencer." Grishel greeted, pressing the lobby button.

Reid gritted his teeth, not replying. Morgan stared at him curiously before replying. "Hey guys, going to lunch?"

They shook their heads, "Just grabbing coffee, this morning's was bland."

Derek nodded, settling into the silence. He couldn't stop glancing at his coworker, who was currently tapping his foot impatiently.

The doors opened at last, Spencer being the first to step out and leave the building. Derek waved to the other workers before catching Reid by the shoulder.

"Wait for me, man." Morgan said when he caught up with him. Spencer stared at him apologetically, slowing his pace to the car.

They both buckled into their seats, Derek drumming his fingers on the wheel before pulling out of the lot.

They sat in a brief silence before Derek spoke again, quietly. "You're scaring me, Pretty Boy. You've only said one sentence to me today."

Reid looked at him in surprise, _Why? I thought they didn't like when I talked?_

"Spencer?" Derek questioned, "Please, please, freaking talk to me!"

He stared at the driver's side occupant, not bothering with the silent treatment...he _needed_ to know what Derek thought of him. "Why?"

"Why what?" Morgan asked, praying to himself that Spencer hadn't started using again.

"Why do you want me to talk? I talk too much." Spencer replied without emotion, maybe if he told him the reason he'd agree that it was a good idea. "Why do you even care?"

"Reid..where did this come from?" He asked cautiously.

Spencer remained blank-faced, "Just my own observations." He thought back on the times he'd rambled off statistics, the times the team begged him to stop. "I know you guys don't like listening to me talk...you'd all be better off without me."

Morgan pulled the car over and put it in park. He faced the depressed agent, putting an arm behind his seat. "Why on Earth would you think that?" He hated seeing him like this. "I love when you talk to me, I can't imagine the team without you."

Spencer stared back in disbelief, "Stop lying. I've heard how the other agents feel about me, how you all feel..you don't have to pretend that I actually matter."

Derek shook his head, a sudden realization hitting him, "Who told you that? Was it Grishel and Anderson?" Spencer cringed, "Is that why you wouldn't speak with them in the elevator?"

Spencer stared forward, arms over his chest once more. "It's nothing I shouldn't have known already. For someone so smart, I sure miss a lot."

Derek sighed, "Spencer." With no reaction, he played with his hair lightly. "Come on, Pretty Boy..."

Reid looked at him with tears in his eyes, "Don't call me that! I'm not pretty, I'm not smart, I'm not anything!"

Morgan shook his head desperately, "That's not true, Spence! How could you believe any of what you just said?"

Spencer scoffed angrily, "You don't know me. I'm just a recovering drug addict who never shuts the fuck up...you're just stuck with me until I kill myself."

Derek froze, tears forming in his eyes, he grabbed Spencer's hand. "Please don't say that..we're not _stuck_ with you, kid. We _want_ you here, those other agents don't know what the hell they're talking about." Reid said nothing.

"And you're recovering, Reid..you're doing great." He added as an afterthought, calmly and quietly.

Spencer glared at him, but voice only reflected sadness, "How would you know? None of you have asked me how I'm doing, I don't know how I didn't realize it before."

Derek paused, he was right. "I'm so sorry, Pretty Boy. I..I just thought that you wouldn't want me all up in your business, so I just watched you from afar."

A sob broke through, and Spencer couldn't stop it. "I'm struggling, Derek."

Morgan pinched off the tears as he screwed his eyes shut, pulling Reid in for a hug.

"I'm sorry Spencer, I promise..we'll never let you feel this way again, you won't be alone."


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Wow, thank you for the reviews/follows/favorites, I honestly wasn't expecting it. I'm so appreciative of each and every one of you, and I hope an update will make y'all happy! :)

Edit: I will continue, thank you to all of the followers.

Tell me what you think!

/

Chapter two: Secrets Come To Light

"We need to talk." Derek Morgan said immediately after opening his supervisor's office door.

Aaron Hotchner looked up and nodded to the seat before his desk, his stoic face not betraying the fear he was feeling. _Something is definitely wrong with Reid._

Morgan tore his eyes away from the window, away from Reid sitting miserably at his desk, away from his team members looking fearfully at the depressed man. He sat, not entirely comfortable with the situation.

"What's going on with him?" Aaron asked, feeling no need to waste any more time.

Derek sighed, running a hand over his face. "It's not good, Hotch..."

Aaron sighed, running a hand over his eyes. "Is he using again?"

"No, Hotch. But he _wants_ to, so _so_ badly..." Derek looked disgusted with himself, "We haven't even helped him, Aaron. He's..He..."

"He doesn't think we care about him, he thinks we _hate_ him." The voice was angry now, "And what he heard this morning has strengthened that thought."

"What did he hear?" Aaron asked seriously, trying not to let his emotions take over.

"Apparently, Grishel and Anderson were talking shit about him in the break room. They said that he should leave the team, he's no use to us, that we don't like him or listening to him."

Now, Aaron was angry. "They said that to his face?"

"No, they didn't know he was there...Hotch..Reid, he...he told me that we're just stuck with him until he kills himself." Morgan's voice was quiet, the image of a dead Spencer running through both men's minds.

"I can't lose him, _we_ can't lose him...he doesn't know how important he is to us, because we _never told him."_ Derek continued frantically, "We never asked how he was handling his kidnapping, the drugs, his mother, his mental state, we..we just were happy when we could use his brain again."

Aaron was silent, reflecting on how poorly he'd handled Spencer's situation. He couldn't find the words, shaking his head slightly.

Derek looked at him tearfully, understanding his supervisor's dilemma, "I know...I didn't know what to say either, all I could do was apologize and tell him that I'll never let him be alone again."

Hotch breathed out, "We..we messed up. But we're going to fix this."

.

.

Hotchner and Morgan exited the former's office, drawing the attention of their team members. Both looked somber as they stepped down into the bull pen.

Their eyes begged for answers, but the men gave none.

Hotch stepped towards Reid gingerly, placing a gentle hand on his back. "May I speak with you in my office?"

Spencer shot up, eyes watery and dead. He glanced towards Derek, who gave him an encouraging smile. Reid nodded, following his boss as he hugged himself.

The second Aaron's door shut, the rest of the team bombarded Derek.

"What's going on with my Junior G-man?" Penelope's voice wavered, concern strangling her words.

Rossi, Emily, and JJ stared expectantly at the buff man, each of their nervous ticks coming in to play.

Derek sighed, he didn't particularly enjoy exposing other people's lives...but this needed to be done, "We..he..he needs our help, we need to help him."

"What happened, Derek?" David questioned, sick of not knowing what was going on with the person he considered a son.

"We all love him." Derek started, confused looks passing through the small group. "But...god, we messed up."

"He's suicidal, he's craving.." He continued, "..and he thinks we hate him because he overheard Grishel and Anderson say so, amongst other things."

Each of their faces grew angry at the revelation of inner-office politics, before realizing the devastating words that came before.

"I thought he..recovered." JJ started, voice doubting and innocent. "He went to all the meetings, he seemed better."

"Did you ever ask him?" Morgan questioned.

Jennifer sputtered, "I..I.."

"I'm not blaming you personally, Jayje." Derek interrupted, "None of us did anything to help him. No one asked if he was okay."

"Well, obviously he's not." Penelope's voice was both bitter and sad, she looked towards David. "Though, you don't really have to blame yourself, you weren't there."

Rossi shook his head, "No, I wasn't there." He stopped, "But we did discuss it once, I knew what happened, and I'm just as at fault."

They all leaned back, each mind thinking back to all the instances that should have set off red flags.

"So Grishel and Anderson were just the tipping point." David commented on the obvious.

"Will they be reprimanded?" Garcia questioned, "Do you think?"

Derek shrugged his shoulders, "I doubt it, but I might have to speak with the both of them."

"I'll be right there with you." Emily promised, voice tight.

.

.

.

"I honestly don't know how to apologize to you." Aaron said again, guilt prodding at him consistently. "I put the team ahead of you, because I didn't want Strauss to find out."

"You protected me, and the team." Spencer responded quietly, defending his boss. "I likely would have lost my job."

"That doesn't mean we should have pretended that nothing happened." His voice oozed the regret he felt, "You had no one to turn to because we gave you no options..but we _will_ be here from now on."

Reid actually smiled for the first time in hours, nodding subtly. "Thank you."

The young agent's face dropped slowly, something Hotch noticed immediately, "Lately, it's as if I'm drowning...I keep trying to remember the person I was before and I'm not sure I can anymore, and I don't know if that's a good thing."

"We'll help you figure it out."


End file.
